I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize