the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
