Don't make out with my wife yet
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
