Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
