there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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