Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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