I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
