sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
