Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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