the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
