I bet he comes in French.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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