She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
