God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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