Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize