Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
