There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
