What did we do last night that was yellow?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
