Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
