i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
