I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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