The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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