Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
