mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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