I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
