My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize