I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
