he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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