I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
