I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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