just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
