the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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