Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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