sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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