do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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