he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
