Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
