Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You ruined the universe
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
