We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
