dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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