I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
