All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
