my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
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