did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
