There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
