Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My breath smells like gin and sadness
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
