I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize