I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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