I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize