I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
