I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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