she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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