Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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