Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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