if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
