my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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