so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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