you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
