I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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