Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
